You know how I’ve always solved my problems when I don’t feel good enough? As you can see from this blog it’s been fasting and hating myself of course. Now I’m 29 and you’d think i’d have changed my thinking, grown some how and learned to love myself? Nope, instead alot of fucked up shit happend this last year and I’ve come to realize that you can’t trust yourself to be happy because happiness is a prelude to tragedy. I’ll bring you up to speed. February 2017 I had my third baby. Having her made me really fat. I gave birth at 215 pounds. Now Today I’m 170. In June I found out my husband was snap chatting the girl that had a huge play in why I started starving myself in the first place. I ended up finding out that he also sent her a dick pic. That made me spiral and I felt like my world was ending. Before I found out about the dick pic I also found out this past summer my husband was going to have a fuck buddy in 2015 with one of his co workers. She crazily and unexpectedly ended up dying the week before he thought that was going to happen. Even though it was two years ago i think about it all of the time. The girl /woman has my makeup and my pinup look or had you know because she’s dead and It killed me. How fucked up right? And then I found out about the dick pic from the other chick in september or august i don’t remember I just know that these events made me spiral back to starving. I weighed 148 pounds late september because of starving and fasting but of course I binged and gained it back. I’m not comfortable in my body at this size. My size 12’s are tight. very tight. I know i have body dis morphia, I can admit that but I’m disgusting regardless . And to top all of this off I lost my job of 6 months because my baby sitter couldn’t watch my kiddos and needed to fix her marriage which is understandable but I used to feel like I was something other than a stay at home mom. I was a receptionist and I loved it and now i had to quit my job and I’m back to being nothing. And what’s even more great is my husband also lost his job in september because of being irresponsible , found another job in his company but now we are super struggling, like we’re behind on all our bills. It’s a magical life I have don’t I? And I’m depressed out of my mind. Hope you all are doing better than me. All I know is I’m back with a vengeance, because I turn 30 in January and I will not be this fat fucking cow that I am now. Time to jog.
To become Fire FIghter Cadet, to get into the academy I can’t be frail and weak, At the Citizens Academy I’m attending they were going over the exercises they put the cadets through and I kid you not he said that morning they did 180 burpees, 300 situps and 200 push ups and that’s not even the beginning of what the chief said. So I can’t be bones. To become a firefighter they need emotionally strong capable and healthy people inside and out. It’s a whole different world from the one we are used to. I want this so bad. I WANT THIS soooo bad. I know I can do it. So I’m telling you all now that I have to recover from this self loathing way of thinking. I HAVE to. It’s so scary though. And let me be clear I”m not saying this regrettably or sadly. I am starting a new chapter in my life for a brighter more awesome future. I love the people I’ve met through this blog and I will be keeping this blog but it will be changing . No more pro starving, puking and just hating myself. I don’t like what i see in the mirror right now but that will all change, I believe it. 🙂 hugs to you all and maybe you all can be better to yourselves too. 🙂
Okay today I’m have coffee and grapefruit. I woke up and worked out. I’ve been jogging. I’ll let you know how much I weigh come monday so in 5 days. I fucking got this. As long as I don’t eat I won’t have to purge. As long as I don’t eat everything will be okay 🙂
Here’s the Plan, Drink Coffee, Drink Water, Water the flowers, Clean the playroom, clean the kids room, fold the clothes, do the laundry, mop the floor, organize the office, finish the grocery list, and Do some kind of workout. I figure saying it this morning on here will make me really want to stick to my guns, I’m too busy to eat today, I’ll eat tomorrow maybe. I have 22 pounds to loose to before the 17th of March when we start our vacation. I can’t fucking screw this up. I binged on those pounds and fucking God I’m gonna get them off of me.
35′ inch waist
43′ inch hips
I don’t know what to do. And yes this has nothing to do with me and my own personal problems. When she get’s angry she basically is the equivalent to a Super Saiyan (aka Dragon Ball Z) and I’m dead serious. It’s scary and it’s rage. My husband can get her to calm down but I am not as successful. Tonight she was super angry about having to pick up beads outside and she was screaming her lungs out so i brought her back in and put her in time out and she just kept screaming that ” I can’t do this to her” and “she doesn’t like me” and this behavior also spilled into dinner time ending with me dragging her into her bedroom which i had to pick her up off her feet while she was trying to kick the walls and hold on to counter tops, while she’s having a melt down and I ended up smiling and laughing on accident because honestly she was being ridiculous, completely ridiculous and that just made her more mad and angry and just to get to the point, I don’t know what the fuck to do with this behavior. Yes she’s on a schedule, yes I follow through with punishments, and yes I have spanked her when she’s just completely out of control but honestly nothing gets through to her. Like every time we have to discipline her because we’re trying to be good parents NOTHING helps her understand that what SHE is doing is WHY she is getting the consequence and that STOPPING her behavior will make her get out of trouble. Her brother is a complete opposite to her. He has NEVER acted like this and tries his best to get out of trouble the quickest way possible ie: taking his consequence, saying sorry and going on with his day. How can I help my daughter? How can I fix this? Anyone in a simular situation or have experience with this? Anything would be helpful. Thank you all for reading my blog 🙂
As we were getting into bed for the night last night I grabbed M’s face and told him I loved him and that he’s stuck with me no matter what. You know what he said in reply? That I was the one STUCK with him, like I was the one found to have the shortest of sticks. I love this man with all of my heart and even with our problems with you know what he is indeed my best friend. I was taken aback by what he said, No No don’t think like that! It’s not true! And yet I don’t let him love me the way I love him. Flaws and all. I think he’s fucking gorgeous, like we’ve been married 7 years and I still crush over his attractiveness like a love sick teenager lol. And he doesn’t see how attractive he is. And regardless of his exterior I love him and would do anything and everything for his happiness and being together all these years we’ve had to do some gross things together lol like plunging toilets or changing diapers or cleaning up puke or his occasional yes i’ll say it Farts lol (sigh gross!). Even with all these things he is absolutely 100 percent real with me and I don’t care and I love him. But when it comes to me it’s like nothing is good enough and how can anyone love me with all of these flaws, especially my disgusting reflection in the mirror. You can only love me if I’m skin and bones I tell myself because then I will be good enough to love. The thing is if anyone I know and love said that I’d be so angry at them. I know I’d immediately list all the things that are great about them and I’d exhaust myself until I felt assured that I had saved them from such stupid thinking. And yet when the tables are turned and it is someone else telling me that I’m lovable, that I’m enough just the way I am , I can’t bring myself to believe it. It’s such a massive hypocritical fucked up way of thinking and I don’t know how to fix it and I don’t even know if I want to because all I ever want to be is a pretty and tiny skeleton.
That’s what I’ve decided to do with my life, It’s exciting to lay out a goal that you find actually achievable. To be a fire fighter you have to be emotionally stable, physically fit, and go above and beyond to get into this line of work. That being said I have A LOT of personal shit to work out obviously if you’ve been reading this blog. I can’t pursue this if I’m emotionally unstable. It’s terrifying and exciting all at the same time. Whoa. 🙂
I’m 28 . There I said it. I’m a decade older than alot of girls struggling with whatever this is. I feel old. If you would have told me at 18 that I’d still be as insecure and sad inside as I was then I probably would have not believed you. I used to have a hope inside of me, even with my insecurities I used to be happy and outgoing like all of the time. Even when shit was happening, serious depressing shit I still managed to be out going and friendly and happy and giddy. God I remember thinking 30 was old. And now i’m 2 years away from it. I’m disconnected from the world. How is it possible to want to isolate myself from everyone but at the same time i’m dying for attention, for friends, for something new and then at that same time I practically have an emotional melt down going out in public because my mind tells me everyone thinks I’m a monster, a lousy piece of shit who doesn’t deserve the oxygen I breath. Why do I care SO MUCH about what other people think of me? Why do I put myself through all of this? I fucking don’t want to eat my feelings anymore, I fucking don’t want to think it’s okay to not eat for days and days and days, but then I get so much comfort and satisfaction from starving that I don’t want to stop either. It’s honestly pathetic. And then of course I ruin all of my progress by having massive binges. I don’t know how to not care about what others think. What I do know is once our insurance kicks in this March I’m going to see a doctor that’s for sure. My emotions are like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment I’m okay , the next moment I’m playing out scenes from me killing myself because all I want to do is not exist anymore and then the next moment after that I hate myself because I have a family that loves me but it’s hard to let people love you when you don’t even Like yourself let alone Love.
I wish I could say it was easy, that starving yourself was easy, like purging is easy, like abusing laxatives is easy. But I’d be lying. You know what also isn’t easy, eating like a fucking normal human being. It’s either, yes i’ll have a bag full of Taco Bell Burritos for dinner or No I won’t eat today because I fucking don’t deserve it. It’s always either black or white and it’s killing me. Tonight I’ll be stocking up on laxatives and water pills at the store because they make me feel like I’m back in control. I’m a super fatty right now and it’s not okay.
This fucking sucks. Never weigh yourself during the day if you don’t want to feel like killing yourself, otherwise that’s exactly what you’ll be wanting to do next. Purged because I had to. God I missed this. God I hate myself for being so fucking fat. That’s all.